ASK MEL GIBSON
By: His Royal Highness, the Honorable Sir, Dr., Father Mel Gibson, OBGYN
I've been noticing a dinging noise in my car whenever I drive. It's definitely coming from somewhere inside the engine. What should I do?
Mary L, Detroit
You have no business driving a car as you are an ignorant, lying, whore cunt who should be stoned to death before being resuscitated just so that you may then immediately be burned at the stake.
I'm giving some thought to dabbling in the stock market, but I'm not sure if it's financially safe to do at this time. What do you think would be a relatively safe investment for a novice such as myself?
Bill H., Lexington
DEAR DIRTY JEW:
Fucking Jew! You're the cause of all the wars in the world today! You killed Jesus! I will slay you in his name! BLLLLAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!
Burn in Hell,
What is the best way to deal with insects eating flowers? The little critters have destroyed several of my prized plants so far this season and I don't know what to do.
Jessica H., Los Angeles
DEAR DESPICABLE BITCH:
I will kill you and bury you in my rose garden. Stop dressing like such a disgusting whore. I can see your pussy through your pants from behind, for Christ's sake. You look like a fucking pig in heat. If you get raped by a pack of ni***rs, you'll fucking deserve it.
I fear that my husband is having an affair. He spends almost all of his time away from home, working in close proximity with a woman who is much younger than I am. He is becoming more and more distant. What can I do?
Kristy K., Chicago
DEAR USELESS TWAT,
Your husband should punch you in the face repeatedly while you hold a newborn child, and then tell you that you fucking deserved it.
Yours in Christ,
Do you think that the housing market will bounce back in the next financial quarter?
Paco J., San Antonio
Get your greasy, illegal ass back across that fucking border before I rip your spine out through your dirty, taco-shitting asshole and then beat you to death with it.
I keel you,
Would you like to join our local chapter of the American Nazi Party?
Herman R., Mobile
DEAR FINE, UPSTANDING CITIZEN:
Yes. Yes, I would. So nice to finally hear from someone who GETS IT and isn't a complete idiot.
PS: Your wife is a whore. Kill her.
PPS: The holocaust is a lie.
I haven't talked to my sister in years ever since we've had a falling out over a man. Do you think it's time for us to reconcile?
Annie C., Daytona
DEAR LIFE-SUCKING MOSQUITO OF A WOMAN:
I can't fucking believe that any man would ever be stupid enough to stick his dick inside of you, out of fear of catching some horribly disfiguring disease that surely runs rampant in whatever pack of filthy whores you happen to prowl the streets with. I hope you and your fucking sister get fed to crocodiles.
Rot in eternal whore damnation,
I think you may have a problem with alcohol, and I'm worried for your safety. Please seek help.
Jodie F., Hollywood
DEAR FEMALE WHO MISTAKENLY THINKS THAT I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HER OPINION:
What are YOU lookin' at, Sugar Tits???
Me go drinky drink now,
MEL GIBSON WANTS TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR QUESTIONS AND LOOKS FORWARD TO WATCHING YOU BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY.