Ask Mel Gibson

ASK MEL GIBSON



By: His Royal Highness, the Honorable Sir, Dr., Father Mel Gibson, OBGYN







Dear Mel:



I've been noticing a dinging noise in my car whenever I drive. It's definitely coming from somewhere inside the engine. What should I do?



Sincerely,

Mary L, Detroit



DEAR WHORE:



You have no business driving a car as you are an ignorant, lying, whore cunt who should be stoned to death before being resuscitated just so that you may then immediately be burned at the stake.



Fuck off,

Mel







Dear Mel:



I'm giving some thought to dabbling in the stock market, but I'm not sure if it's financially safe to do at this time. What do you think would be a relatively safe investment for a novice such as myself?



Thanks,

Bill H., Lexington



DEAR DIRTY JEW:



Fucking Jew! You're the cause of all the wars in the world today! You killed Jesus! I will slay you in his name! BLLLLAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!







Burn in Hell,

Mel



Dear Mel:



What is the best way to deal with insects eating flowers? The little critters have destroyed several of my prized plants so far this season and I don't know what to do.



Best Wishes,

Jessica H., Los Angeles



DEAR DESPICABLE BITCH:



I will kill you and bury you in my rose garden. Stop dressing like such a disgusting whore. I can see your pussy through your pants from behind, for Christ's sake. You look like a fucking pig in heat. If you get raped by a pack of ni***rs, you'll fucking deserve it.







Die,

Mel



Dear Mel:



I fear that my husband is having an affair. He spends almost all of his time away from home, working in close proximity with a woman who is much younger than I am. He is becoming more and more distant. What can I do?



Please help,

Kristy K., Chicago



DEAR USELESS TWAT,



Your husband should punch you in the face repeatedly while you hold a newborn child, and then tell you that you fucking deserved it.







Yours in Christ,

Mel



Dear Mel:



Do you think that the housing market will bounce back in the next financial quarter?



Sincerely,

Paco J., San Antonio



DEAR WETBACK:



Get your greasy, illegal ass back across that fucking border before I rip your spine out through your dirty, taco-shitting asshole and then beat you to death with it.







I keel you,

Mel



Dear Mel:



Would you like to join our local chapter of the American Nazi Party?



Sincerely,

Herman R., Mobile



DEAR FINE, UPSTANDING CITIZEN:



Yes. Yes, I would. So nice to finally hear from someone who GETS IT and isn't a complete idiot.



PS: Your wife is a whore. Kill her.



PPS: The holocaust is a lie.







Zieg Heil,

Mel



Dear Mel:



I haven't talked to my sister in years ever since we've had a falling out over a man. Do you think it's time for us to reconcile?



Best,

Annie C., Daytona



DEAR LIFE-SUCKING MOSQUITO OF A WOMAN:



I can't fucking believe that any man would ever be stupid enough to stick his dick inside of you, out of fear of catching some horribly disfiguring disease that surely runs rampant in whatever pack of filthy whores you happen to prowl the streets with. I hope you and your fucking sister get fed to crocodiles.







Rot in eternal whore damnation,

Mel



Dear Mel:



I think you may have a problem with alcohol, and I'm worried for your safety. Please seek help.



Best,

Jodie F., Hollywood



DEAR FEMALE WHO MISTAKENLY THINKS THAT I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HER OPINION:



What are YOU lookin' at, Sugar Tits???







Me go drinky drink now,

Mel



MEL GIBSON WANTS TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR QUESTIONS AND LOOKS FORWARD TO WATCHING YOU BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY.

Why Does the Wiener Scream?

Welcome to The Screaming Wiener.

Don't try to make sense of the title of this blog. It has no hidden, deeper meaning. The wiener is screaming, and it enjoys it. Let's all just be happy it isn't yodeling.

Conway Twitty Presents: The Yodeling Wiener. Available on vinyl at your local Cracker Barrel.

Speaking of Cracker Barrel, am I the only one who is interested in the startingly numerous amount of objects on the walls that could be used to kill someone? Seriously...I'm not so sure it's a good idea for them to display so many pitchforks, picks, axes, and various other potential weapons within reach in a place that always has at least one screaming child running around and disturbing everyone.

And while we're on the subject of Cracker Barrel, the next time you go in there to eat I want you to look at all of the black and white pictures hanging on the walls. All of the people in those pictures are dead now. Enjoy your meal!

Fun fact: the Cracker Barrel in the city I live in is literally right next to a Hustler store.

And so ends our first blog together here at The Screaming Wiener. I blow my vuvuzela for all of you.

One last thing...you see all those sentences above? I typed all of those periods all by myself.

Work ethic. Pass it on.

Think of me next time you're in the shower. It's only gonna get stranger from this point on.